THE BRIDEGROOM ARRIVES....

Continued from previous post

An important part of the wedding is the Mapillai azhaippu – introducing the mappillai or the bridegroom to the local residents and the bride’s relations.

Once the bridegroom’s party was well-fed and rested after their arrival, they were taken to the local temple in the evening to get God’s blessings. A pooja would be performed by the priest.

Inside the temple, the bride’s brother welcomed him with a garland and applied sandal paste on his arms and presented him with a new set of veshti. From the temple the bridegroom and the entourage were taken to the wedding pandal in a slow procession with the accompaniment of nadaswaram and gaslights. In the early days it was a procession on foot, with the bridegroom garlanded. But even here changes came over gradually, and the bridegroom was seated in an open coach drawn by slow trotting horses.

The decorated car at the wedding of my son-in-law's sister in the early 60s

When motorcars came on the scene, instead of the carriage, an open car, well decorated with flowers and festoons was used for this. And along with this change, the bridegroom’s veshti changed to western clothes – a suit with shoes to add. As the English culture seeped into our custom, this kind of procession was give up by many modern minded families. And nowadays it is practically obsolete, except in a few cases.

At my son Bala's wedding in the 70s

When the bridegroom’s procession reached the wedding pandal, he and his relatives were welcomed ceremoniously with aarathi and thamboolam by the bride’s parents, and conducted to the wedding dais.

Here the purohits were waiting with everything ready for the next ceremony, the formal engagement. The bridegroom was garlanded afresh by the bride’s brother.

I have no memory of my mother telling me if the child bride was seated next to the bridegroom. I have seen in one or two weddings of the 1960s, the bride was excluded from this engagement ceremony. She never came to the pandal. But later on as customs changed, the bride was brought to the pandal, well decked. She was received by the bridegroom’s sister with a garland and kumkumam. Later on the practice of gifting jewellery to the bride became a part of this ceremony.

Among the chanting of the sacred mantrams and the strains of the nadaswaram, thamboolam was exchanged by the father s of the couple in the presence of elders. This exchange was considered the formal engagement.

After this the bride and groom had to perform obeisance (namaskarams) to all senior members of both families, taking care not to leave out anyone. Otherwise this omission would be held against them for life, which was not uncommon in those days.

Once the nichiyathartham was over the bridegroom’s people were led into the house for dinner. Here banana leaves were spread on the floor, the food being served on them. And people would be seated on durries or mats to partake of the feast. This meal being the first of the actual wedding ceremonies, was a grand one with pal payasam boli and vadai, as well as many varieties of vegetables, chips and pickles.

After the meal the men and women would sit on different sides of the pandal and offered betel leaves and nuts to chew on. They were escorted back to the house arranged for them and left there for the night.

In those days the wedding ceremonies lasted five days. People generally had a lot of time on their hands, and the wedding season started only after the harvest. The only entertainment they had was a temple festival or a harikatha kalakshepham. So ceremonies like weddings and upanayanams were conducted for five days.
A five day wedding gave enough time for the bridegroom’s party to get over the tiredness of the onward trip, and ready them for their return trip.

On each day of the wedding all the meals had to be served with different menus with a different pradhaman (essentially a Kerala sweet dish prepared with jaggery and coconut milk) each time. Unlike today, pradhamans were served until everyone was fully satiated.

A certain decorum would be observed by the bride’s family to their sammandhis on all these five days. Early morning coffee, breakfast (idly, vadai and a sweet made with jaggery), and evening tiffin (sojji and bajji) were to be sent to the bridegroom’s place on time and in plenty.

For lunch and dinner, each time men and women from the bride’s family would go over to where the bridegrooms’ family was staying, taking thamboolam and accompanied by nagaswaram, and request each and everyone , without leaving anyone out, to come and partake of the meal. On the day of the muhurtham also, along with the thamboolam a sweet preparation made with milk, and paruppu thengai were included to invite the bridegroom’s people. The paruppu thengai is a sweet prepared with jaggery,roasted chickpeas and coconut bits, and shaped like a cone, a symbol of prosperity and progeny.

A word about the nadaswaram. Nadaswaram was and is an essential part of the wedding ceremony. The then famous Ambalappuzha Brothers were the artistes who played the nadaswaram at my sister’s and my weddings. During the mappilai azhaippu, nicihyathartham on the day of the wedding, would be non-stop music, and the scale wedding was judged by the name of the nadaswaram player.

In the 1980s when my youngest daughter got married in Delhi, the event manager had arranged for the nadaswaram players to come from the south. It was something novel in New Delhi and was appreciated by one and all. Many of our friends and acquaintances congratulated us on the grand wedding.

At the wedding reception of Gowri and Mohan (left), Babuji shares a joke with a guest.

More to come......

WEDDINGS - Part 3: PREPARING TO WELCOME THE BRIDEGROOM

(Continued from previous post)
A neighbour’s house was made ready for the bridegroom’s party to stay for the duration of the wedding. The occupants of this house would stay with other neighbours for this period. The house, well swept and mopped was decorated with festoons of mango leaves at the entrance door and big beautiful kolams were drawn on the well swept front yard and all the rooms.

Women draw 'kolams' at a Mylapore competition

The inside kolams were drawn with well ground rice paste, so that they would last for a few days. In the main hall a big bell metal oil lamp would be lit and remained burning. In front of this lamp were place a plateful of betel leaves, nuts, whole turmeric, bananas and two coconuts.


On one side of this were placed in bell metal dishes the various oil – gingelly, coconut – turmeric, soapnut powder, and umikkeri (burnt rice husk for brushing teeth) - all ready for the morning ablutions. On another side, vibuthi, the sacred ash and kukumam for the ladies and sandal paste were also placed. Those days soaps and toothpaste were unheard of.

For sleeping at night plenty of mats (made of dried grass) and jamakkalams, thick sheets in bright patterns,(see picture) were readied. The weather being most accommodating, nothing more was required for a good night’s sleep. (For Viji’s wedding in 1974, we had arranged a vacant flat in West Kidwai Nagar, where we lived, with the permission of the local authorities for the bridegroom’s people to stay.)

A nadaswaram troupe at a temple procession

Once the bridegroom’s party arrived at the street corner, they were welcomed by the bride’s people warmly to the accompaniment of the auspicious notes of the nadaswaram and escorted to the house arranged for them. After serving them lunch or tiffin, depending on the time of their arrival, they were requested to rest and refresh themselves for the evening function – mappilai azhaippu and nitchiya thartham.

Well, the bridegroom’s party needed all the rest they could avail of, for they were on the road for three four or five days, depending on the place they were coming from. Then mode of travel in those days was the bullock cart. The maximum distance on could travel in a day was seven, eight or ten miles, depending upon the mood of the bullock. The cartcade consisted of six to seven cars according to the number of people travelling. One cart was set apart for the stuff needed to prepare food on the way, for those were hotel less days – including firewood, utensils, groceries and vegetables, as also fodder for the bullocks. Every evening when the carts reached a riverside, or an open space with a well, the journey was stopped for the day. Stretching their cramped bodies and taking baths, they partook of the packed food prepared in the morning before they took the road. In the mornings, the women getting up early, and after a bath , would cook enough for both meals. So by the time they reached the bride’s place, everyone was pleasantly tired, looking forward to the five days of wedding rites and feasts.

Here I would like to share how we travelled from Trivandrum to Allepey for my brother’s wedding in 1937. He was just 22 and my Manni 15. The bridegroom’s party included a number of my brother’s friends and not only our own uncles and aunts on both our parents’ side, but also uncles and aunts of my parents. The wedding of the eldest son in the family definitely was not to be missed by anyone. We left our home early in the morning by 5 am in a hired bus, and reached Quilon around 9.30. From Quilon we travelled by boat to Alleppey, reaching there by dusk. We had a break for lunch at a small island called Ponmudi. The lunch was arranged by our tuition master Anantharama Iyer.

The distance from Trivandrum to Allepey is about 160 kilometers which is covered today by road in three or four hours. The mappila azhaippu procession started from the boat jetty itself. My brother was seated in a horse drawn open coach, surrounded by children on all sides, and taken as a procession to the wedding place. The others either walked, or came by car.

My brother and sister-in-law in the 1960s

The mappillai azhaippu is a function which takes place on the evening before the wedding.

To be continued

Nadaswaram photo courtesy: Internet

WEDDINGS - Part Two - GETTING READY

Continued from previous post

The wedding date having been decided, all near and dear ones were informed by word of mouth, or by a short letter. A week before the wedding a small function ‘kaal nattal’ would be held. A pooja would be performed by the bride’s father, under the guidance of the family priest, invoking the gods’ blessings.

After the pooja the first pole of the pandal (marquee) was fixed in the ground - this was the 'kaal nattal'. The pandal, a bamboo structure with a thatched roof would be put up on the street in front of the bride’s house and adjoining houses. The streets of the Brahmin settlements (agraharam) contained houses like the row houses of today one touching the other. The inside of the pandal was decorated with all sorts of festoons, shining globules of different sizes, and paper garlands of various colours. At the entrance of the pandal two full grown banana plants heavy with fully developed fruits, were fixed, as a sign of auspiciousness. A special manamedai, a place for the bridal couple to sit and perform the wedding rites, conducted by the family priest, was also made ready, decorated with kolams. On this day, the bride would also have the 'kappu kattal' ceremony - a sacred yellow thread was tied round on her right wrist after invoking the blessings of all the gods.

A modern agraharam : My nephew Ramakrishnan
took this picture of the heritage village Kalpathi.

Once the 'kaal naattal' was done, the preparation for the wedding also started. Relations came one by one. They along with the neighbours took charge of the preparations, without being told or asked. Someone getting groceries and vegetables from the market, another arranging for fresh milk to be delivered twice daily for the duration of the wedding period, another arranging for the curds to be delivered every evening in mud pots. Banana fruits, a must for every meal of the wedding feasts were bought in bunches and hung from the ceiling. And not to forget banana leaves, bunches and bunches of them.

This takes me to my own wedding and my two Chithappas when they came to attend it. After teasing me for some time and saluting my parents , they went for the heavy stack of banana leaves, cutting them to the needed sizes for the various meals of breakfast, lunch, and tiffin, arranging them according to size and rolling them up in gunny bags, so that they remained fresh for a few days.

Another item to be readied was the thamboolam – plates of betel leaves, betel nuts made into edible kalipaakku, chunambu for the women folk For the men it was betel leaves, raw, whole betel nuts (adakkai) chunnambu and tobacco. These were offered to the bridegroom’s people with respectful requests to partake of them. In today’s world, these are unimportant details, but in weddings of those days, any shortcoming in this was enough to upset an elderly aunt or a bachelor uncle to create a misunderstanding and unpleasantness during the wedding. In 1960, not so ancient, I have myself witnessed two elderly uncles of the bridegroom, getting angry and creating a scene because the bride’s people had started having lunch before they had theirs.

There were other preparations to be done. The womenfolk, relatives as well as neighbours, took charge of the kitchen – cooking, grinding, pounding and making sweets and savouries for ‘seeru’ - that is the eatables given to the sammandhis (bridegroom’s family) to take home for themselves and to be distributed, if they wished. The women folk were adept a making murukku, each one 10 to 12 inches in diameter. Appam , adhirasam and monaharam , the sweets were made with jaggery. Of course a professional cook was appointed to cook for the actual wedding days. Big ‘vaarppu, ‘uruli’, big enough to cook for more than 200 people were borrowed from temples. Every household had its own 'uruli', 'varppu', bell metal pots and pans , large enough to cook for fifty. These items were a must to be given to the bride by her parents at the time of marriage. I was also given such big vessels by my parents.

In today’s weddings, maximum money is spent on silk sarees and gold jewellery. A hundred years ago, it was not so. For the bride the nine yards koorai pudavai was the only item generally, and a couple more nine yard sarees. And for the bridegroom a couple of set of cotton dhothi and angavastharam (small dhoti for the upper body), then known as ‘patharu’, as well as a silk set.


The cost of the ornaments was borne by both sets of parents. These were usually an addigai,(choker necklace) a double stranded gold chain, two pairs of bangles, and a pair of earrings.* The most important of these was the thirumangalyam, which was strung on a manjal saradu – thick strand of cotton fibres, dipped in turmeric. In those days there were no jewellery shops. The goldsmith was asked to come home at an auspicious day and time and gold was handed over to him to make the thirumangalyam and other ornaments.

Our own goldsmith Anantham would be sent for whenever required. He was very honest and trustworthy and good in his work. When my mother asked him once for a silver key ring for herself, he did not take any money for it. Also when my mother got a silver toothpick for my father, he refused to take any money An interesting object in silver he made for my mother .was a pair of silver plavila -jackfruit tree leaves shaped into a spoon pinned by a small stick. This was for us to take kanji (gruel) with when we children used to be ill.

Nowadays the mandapams and caterers take care of all these arrangements. In the beginning when the mandapams were a novelty, all the arrangements, even the caterer had to be fixed by the people concerned. In 1967 when my eldest daughter Raji got married in a kalyana mandapam in Madras, Babuji’s uncle and aunt were there to make all the arrangements. In 1977 our son Bala’s wedding also took place in Madras in a kalyana mandapam. We had an easy time for we were the bridegroom’s party!

Our younger daughter Viji and Gowri got married in Delhi in 1974 and 1986. Though there were one or two kalyana mandapams in Delhi at that time, we had the wedding conducted near our own home under a shamiana put up in a vacant plot of garden.

Back to the old days. The bride’s family would make all the above arrangements and wait for the bridegroom’s party to arrive.


*Diamond earrings came into vogue only in the 1930s. They were not brought ready made. Stones were ordered from dealers and tested and certified by experts. Whenever diamonds were brought at home, my father would have them sent to Professor Sivaramakrishna Iyer, an expert in diamonds, for approval. Anantham, the thattan, would come, and was shown the stones and asked to make the gold setting. Within a week he would be home, with the required gold setting, which looked nothing like gold or an earring setting. The diamonds would be handed over to him one by one for settings by my grandmother, who would watch over him like a hawk, till the 14 stones were set. And as if by magic, after removing the setting from the wax base, and cleaning and polishing, the shining and shimmering thodu were ready.

And the cost? Just Rs. 500/. But it is wrong to say Rs. 500, because Rs. 500 was a very big amount those days.
More to come

Photo of Murukku: courtesy http://www.flickr.com/photos/godakshin/
Photo of a meal on a banana leaf: courtesy http://www.myrelish.com/

WEDDINGS - A Hundred Years Ago

These days conducting a wedding is very easy, though not very simple, provided the father of the bride has lots and lots of money to spend. Kalyana Mandapams (wedding halls) have appeared all over the place, whether it is a village, or a town or a city. All of them are also heavily booked during the wedding seasons. One used to say jokingly that one has to book the mandapam first and then fix the marriage date. The kalyana mandapam takes care of everything needed for the wedding, from start to finish. The bride’s people are also treated like guests.

Things were different a 100 years back. The first step in deciding the marriage is the exchange and matching of horoscopes. This system is also followed even today when it is an arranged marriage. One can get a horoscope from marriage brokers, or advertise in any of the newspapers. It was not so in those days. The girl’s father had to approach the boy’s father with his daughter’s horoscope and request the boy’s horoscope. After hearing from the girls’ side that the horoscopes matched, the boy’s people would approach their astrologer. The horoscopes were a means of knowing each other’s family tree and gothram. It was considered wrong for a boy and girl of the same gothram to get married. According to my limited knowledge, the matching of the horoscopes was to see that each had a different period of good and bad dasas – so that one could shelter the other one in difficult dasas.

In my mother’s case she got married when she was eight in 1902. It was my paternal grandfather, an advocate who approached my mother’s father, a schoolmaster, for my mother’s horoscope. He was much impressed by my mother’s family, their general behaviour and my mother’s own conduct, for both sets of grandparents lived in the same street. My mother never forgot this unusual act of my Paatta. She always used to say that my parents as well as all their children are well settled in life due to Paatta’s blessings. We the grandchildren never knew our Patta. He died some six years after our parents got married, and just before my parents started their married life.

My third sister and her husband - this photograph
was taken in a studio in Trichy in 1940, a year after her wedding.

Once the horoscopes were matched, and both sides happy, the next step was to fix a wedding date. There were no questions asked about dowry, no cash exchanged hands. The ornaments for the bride including the thirumangalyam, or the thali (mangalasutra), were taken care of by both sets of parents. There was no boy-meet-girl also. Everything was decided by the parents. But things progressed a little bit as time went by. In 1927, when my eldest sister got married, it was her mother-in-law with her sister who came to see the girl. My sister was barely twelve years old at that time. More changes happened when my two other sisters got married in the late 1930s. They had the chance to see their life partners before getting married – they even had a chance to say ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, though anyone hardly used that option, because the parents’ decision was final.

My three sisters in front of our house, Lakshmi Nivas, Trivandrum, in the 1950s

When Babuji and I got married in 1945, we saw each other only after the wedding date was fixed.
My father-in-law and his elder brother came to see me. My husband who was working in Delhi only had a short leave to attend his own wedding.

More to come...

EZHUMALAI WAS GOVINDAN THEN

Today I am very much reminded of Govindan. Govindan was the one who came to Lakshmi Nivas once a month to bring down the coconuts from the tall palms.

This morning at Raji’s place, instead of Govindan, Ezhumalai(in picture) was the one who climbed up the two coconut palms to bring the coconuts down. And that too, after being called on his cell phone more than once. This Ezhumalai charged Rs. 60 per tree – that means Rs. 120 just to climb up the two trees, and cut down the coconuts.

The Govindan I am talking about charged only one anna, or 6 paise per tree in the 1940s. (Sixteen annas made up a rupee). There were about 20 palms in the compound of Lakshmi Nivas. Govindan would come once a month about 8 am, and wait outside till my mother was free to talk to him. If any of us children saw him, we would shout out to my mother that the ‘thengai parakkaravan’ (coconut plucker) had come. Hearing us once, he said, “Kochammai,(Little Miss) I have a name, and it is Govindan, and Amma knows me.” After that, I would always refer to him by name.

Govindan was a thin, wiry fellow, with alert eyes and a ready subservient smile. One should have seen him, clambering up the coconut tree, with the help of his two hands and his feet tucked in a tight ring made of coconut fibre, faster than a monkey.

Climbing up 20 trees, and bringing down the 500 to 600 coconuts, cleaning the top of every single tree, weeding and cleaning the base of every tree, and sorting out the dried, cut foliage was his job. From 8 in the morning he would be really busy for four or five hours. The maximum money he earned was only Rs. One and a half, and two coconuts. My mother would also give him a large tumbler of sambharam ( salted buttermilk with curry leaves) and a spoonful of pickles for which he used to be very grateful. Compare that Rs. One and a half with the Rs. 60 per tree of today.

In a few years’ time Govindan’s son was year junior to my nephew in the Engineering College, Trivandrum. So Govindan was the last of his ilk.

Our family tailor Hariharan was a regular visitor to our place to take clothes to be stitched, starting from my father’s trousers and shorts, to pillowcases. His son did not continue his father’s profession. He was my nephew’s classmate in the Engineering College. Our laundry man Ponnan’s son also studied in the same college.

So one sees that by 1960, the trend in lifestyle was changing. In fact, today there is a shortage of coconut climbers, even in Kerala. I remember having read that in Kerala they have opened an institute to teach how to climb coconut tree, and to how to take care of them.

I remember very well my mother’s ‘Jeeves’ of those days. He was there to see all sorts of odd jobs outside the house – like going to the market, taking care of the cows’ feed, taking care of my father’s clothes and so on. His name was Ramakrishna Pillai. My mother used to call him by his full name at least 10 times a day. But she never used to utter my father’s name – Ramakrishna Iyer. We found it funny and we used to tease her a lot about it.

This Jeeves was paid only Rs. 5 per month, and daily lunch. Our maid Kunjhi, used to come every morning at 5.30 or 6. She would be busy till noon. cleaning the compound on all sides of the house, cleaning the rooms inside the house, doing the dishes, and washing the clothes. Then she would come again in the evening to sweep the house and clean the vessels. She was paid only Rs. 5 per month and was give coffee twice and the left over food every day. Today Raji’s maid (see picture) earns nearly Rs. 5,000, working in more than two houses and cleaning a couple of shops. And does not do as much as Kunji used to in any of the house.

A single rupee had more value in those days. Even Rs. 100 of today, does not have that much value. Times and people have changed, and will go on changing.

'ENGLISH' VEGETABLES

There was a time when vegetables like tomatoes, cauliflowers and cabbage had no place in an orthodox Brahmin kitchen. They were known as ‘English’ vegetables, because they were brought to India by the ruling Englishmen. Today these are household names. There is no rasam made in any kitchen, including the Brahmin kitchen, without tomatoes. Not only for rasam, tomatoes are used for raita (a kind of salad based in yogurt), sambar, and even made into pickles. Green tomato pachadi is a delicacy.

These thoughts flooded my mind as I was cutting tomatoes for a salad at Raji’s place. One of those was about the day in 1942 when my father said that he would teach me how to make cutlets. I was just 15 years old, and unlike today’s children I did not know what a cutlet meant. Anyway I was really happy that my father had taken time from his various activities to teach me to prepare cutlets. He gave me a list of vegetables to be got ready – potatoes, peas, tomatoes, green chillies and ginger. Potatoes and peas were okay with my mother, but she did not allow me to bring the tomatoes into the kitchen, for tomatoes were taboo. I was provided a charcoal portable oven. Following my father’s instructions I prepared the cutlets using sooji (semolina) instead of bread crumbs, and they turned out quite well. My father had tasted the cutlet at a Saturday club dinner, and he wanted his family also to enjoy it. So he got the recipe and helped me to make it.

The tomatoes were used to make sauce to go with the cutlets. Blanch and skin the tomatoes, mash them roughly, add finely cut ginger and green chillies, a dab of sugar and salt, boil for five minutes and the sauce is ready. Later on in life, maybe I remembered this subconsciously and used to make the sauce for my children, adding not just a dab of sugar, but a spoonful, and lots of raisins. How they used to enjoy it!

The Saturday Evening Club was formed by the elite of Trivandrum Society (men only!). Every month on one Saturday, one member would host a grand dinner for the others. There were about 20 members. I vividly remember how the dinner was prepared at our place. First a chef was chosen to cook the menu given by my father. The ‘English’ vegetables played an important part in this dinner. These vegetables were bought from Spencers’s or Koder’s two prominent ‘in’ stores of Trivandrum. My first and only shopping expediton before marriage was going to Koder’s to buy a wedding present for one of my classmates. The food was prepared, not in the kitchen, but in the spacious back verandah, using three sets of bricks to make the stove, and firewood as fuel. A typical menu would be tomato kichadi (raitha), pachadi, aviyal, cauliflower vegetable, cabbage with coconut scrapings, potato roast/stew, onion sambar, rasam, appalam, a sweet, usually mysorpaku, thayir/rasa vadai, a variety of pickles, and of course payasam.

The food was served on plantain leaves, and the guests sat on the floor in front of them to enjoy the meal. We youngsters enjoyed every moment of the day, taking part in most of the activities. The main attraction was the pal payasam(milk and rice pudding), which was almost pink in colour, and next the rasa vadai and the thayir vadai and mysorepaku, and of course the rare dishes made with English vegetabes.

The potato is considered an everyday item today, but in my childhood days, it was considered a rare delicacy. A feast with potato poriyal was summed up as A class. Potato stew pushed back every other dish, and the potato roast was the last word at any feast.

For drinks it was bonji, or lemon juice. Fridges were unheard of. Mud pots were cleaned and filled with water the previous day itself. And to serve the bonji in, silver tumblers were taken out, polished and readied.

I believe even pumpkin was a foreign vegetable, introduced to India by the Portugese, who were called Parangi by us Indians. The pumpkin is known in Thamizh as parangikkai. Like the pumpkin was Indianised in course of time, tomatoes and cauliflower have also become household names.


There was a time when we used to get only seasonal fruits and vegetables. Cauliflower, cabbage, radish are all winter vegetables. As for the Indian vegetables, there are different kinds – lady’s finger in May-June, snake gourd and bitter gourd in August - September, cluster beans in July and brinjals in February, to mention a few.

Now vegetables have no seasons or months – they are available all round the year. When lady’s finger, flat beans and cluster beans were in season, I used to make 'vathal' (pieces parboiled in salt and sun-dried), to be used in off season times. Punjabi women used to sun-dry cauliflower heads and preserve them for the summer days.

One last line. The fruit seller’s cry still echoes in my ears – Bambai ka kela, Allahabad ka guava, Kashmiri sev, Benares ka aam, Hyderabadi angur. (Bananas from Bombay, pears from Allahabad, apples from Kashmir, mangoes from Benares, grapes from Hyderabad) Those days have become bygone days. I miss that Delhi…..

LOVE

Love is eternal, love is universal, love is God, love is also selflessness.

The story ‘Gift of the Magi’ by O. Henry, is an ideal example for this. I am sure everyone must have read this story. For those who have not, here is a short summary. A young couple, very much in love, but very poor, got married and were happy together. For their first Christmas, they each wanted to give the other what he or she wanted most, or wished to have. The girl’s pride and joy was her long and beautiful hair. She had often seen a hair clip in a shop display, and wished she could buy it. The young man had a pocket watch given to him by his father which he valued very much, and hoped to buy a chain for it some day when he could afford it. Each one wanted to fulfil the other’s wish. So the girl had her long hair cut, sold it to the wigmaker, and with that money she bought the watch chain for her husband, had it packed and ready for him. The young man sold his watch and bought the hair clip his wife had been admiring. And when each saw the other’s gift they were so moved at the depth of love that had prompted such great sacrifices.

This kind of love is so selfless, caring and wanting to fulfil only the loved one’s need. .

There are different kinds of love – the love a mother feels for her child, which is different from the love a father feels for the child. They both want to give and do the best they can afford. They are both ready to sacrifice everything and anything for the child’s sake - the mother taking care of the child’s present needs and at times fanciful wishes, whereas the father sacrifices his luxuries to give his children a good education and a happy worry –less future. The bonding between brothers and sisters is also a certain kind of love, ready to help one another in any situation, even at risk to oneself.

The love between man and woman started with Adam and Eve, and will go on for ever, as long as there are Adams and Eves. This is a passionate love, wanting to be in each other’s company all the time, not willing to share or include anyone else. A saying in Thamizh goes, which translated means ‘Desire lasts for 60 days and infatuation for 30 days” (Aasai 60 naal, moham muppathu naal’ ). Love goes beyond all this. This kind of love which is from the heart lasts for ever. There is a Chinese saying, “Love marriage is like a kettle full of boiling water. With time this will become tepid, whereas an arranged marriage is a kettle full of cold fire set on a slow fire, to get to boiling point. This means the love will go on forever. In the bygone days there were child marriages with the couple growing up together in all phases of life. And when they reach old age, their love for each other is evident in all their spoken words and caring actions. My own parents stayed married for 70 years. I know how much they cared and respected each other’s feelings and thoughts. This did not mean they had no verbal fights or disagreements. Their love for each other was above all this.

Another couple, who were our friends, was the Warriers. Theirs was a love marriage in the 1940s. I have never seen a couple like them, so soft-spoken with each other, always caring for each other’s needs, and they stayed married till the end. An ideal love story.


Love for animals is another kind of love. Children who love pets are willing to go to any lengths to safeguard them. I remember how my granddaughters Parvati and Swati grieved when their father decided to give away Simba, one of their dogs, because he was a half-breed. They both, just young children, cried so much, that he had to drop the idea.

There are also cases of animals loving their masters so much that they are willing to die for them, and with them. I remember reading in the newspapers how an elephant sensing his mahout was dead, stood by his side day and night without food and water, till he too dropped dead. An Arab went on a mission on his horse. While returning, far from home, he head a heart attack and died. The horse brought the dead Arab home, not by carrying him on his back, but by holding his master by the belt with his teeth. Once he reached home, the horse too fell dead. A horse can go for miles with people riding him, but cannot carry anyone with his teeth.
How much the horse must have loved his master.

Love for one’s homeland is another aspect in this wide word – LOVE. You must have heard of the small Dutch boy who kept his country from being flooded by plugging the hole in the dyke with his finger for a whole night, till help came in the morning.

Love is Bhakthi – devotion to God, where the person forgets every need, and lives only to worship and serve God. There are many examples – to name a few, Kabir, Surdas, Tulsidas, Meera, Thyagaraja and Andal. All of them served god by singing His praises.

Love is all-embracing, ever forgiving, ever remembering, ever thinking of doing good to the loved ones, ever omnipotent, and that is God.
Love is God.